It's a Miracle...

That's right, folks--it's a Chrimbus miracle. I'm still here, dammit. I'm glad I could make it for another holiday season with Jim and Jason. It's been a crazy year, from my cancer to all the crazy shenanigans here at home and at work.

We started the celebrations by giving me a bath on Christmas Eve Eve. It felt good knowing I'd be fresh and clean for all the celebrations.

 

My stocking was chock full of surprises--Frango mints, toys, and a book...I got lots of things for Jim and Jason, too. It was my way of telling them how much I love 'em. Thought I must admit this year was a lot harder wrapping presents. I had gift wrap departments help me whenever possible...

 

Of course, this is probably my favorite part of the holiday season:

I hope everyone has a good holiday. It's been real, folks. Now let's get ready to get crunk and crazy on New Year's Eve...!

I'm still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Alright, bitches, don't get all weepy and sentimental on me yet. I had to make Jason take this portrait of me down from the mantle 'cuz I'm not dead yet. Yeah, I'm slowing down and dragging my back legs a little. We're going to the vet tomorrow to see if it's diabetes or something else related to the cancer.

The boys have been really good about taking care of me--lifting me in and out of bed, taking me to the litter box, setting up extra boxes around the house, cleaning up after me, keeping me clean, wrapping me up in blankets, shooting meds down my throat, giving me IV fluids, brushing my teeth, blah blah blah.

I couldn't ask for a better set up.

Okay, I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and some turkey. And stay tuned--we'll see if I can pull off a Christmas miracle.

It's late in the day...

 

Well, kids, September's over. What the f*ck happened?

To recap, Jason and Jim went off to Santa Cruz for a friend's wedding and had a lot of fun staying at the new Hotel Paradox. Jason in particular had a lot of fun, mixing booze with Benadryl (since something there kept making him sneeze) and caffeine. Junkie whore. Jim just got sloshed, like he usually does. But they all had a good time. I chillaxed with my pimp friend Ronnie.

A few weeks before that I had a good follow up with my vet. This bald patch caused by my cancer had grown back, and my weight was steady. I said triumphantly, "Cancer, you're MY bitch today!" And if the boys were counting down the days till they inherit my fortune...well sorry, chumps. Ya gotta wait a little bit longer now!

Other than that, it's been about the same--painkillers, IV fluids, soap operas, magazines. But I have been tracking this mouse that's invaded the house. Your days are numbered, bitch...

Ain't nobody got time for that!

Well, despite the medicines and IV fluids and extra steps Jason and Jim are taking to keep me comfortable, things are definitely slowing down for me. But recently we discovered something that made us all laugh, which is important at times like these.

First, check out Sweet Brown's regular interview:


And then check out this genius AutoTune remix:


We've been listening to it around the house for days now and it still cracks us up every time. The catchy tune is just genius. Pure genius! I gotta hand it to these folks--creativity mixed with lots of free time equals a hit.

Enjoy, folks.

Live like we're dying...

Okay, bitches, for those of you who don't know already...I have cancer. Regardless of how bad it is, I've talked it over with the boys and it's okay. I'm not going to have surgery. At my age, I don't know if I'd fully recover and I don't want to take that chance. Same with chemo--I'm already losing my hair in patches, so I don't need or want any more of that.

The boys are taking this really hard, but I'm still okay. We're gonna keep on truckin' till the end. The way I see it, I've had a really good life. A long one, too--check out my Bucket List and all the things I've crossed off so far:

1. Begin modern civilization
2. Create the first written language
3. Rule a kingdom
4. Get overthrown by revolutionaries and live to tell the tale
5. Stop Hitler and the Axis Powers
6. Become a war correspondent
7. Develop a vaccine for polio
8. Win a Grammy
9. Invent the Internet
10. Find a loving home
11. Go skydiving
12. Write the great American novel
13. Host a talk show
14. Develop a cure for cancer
15. Run a marathon
16. F*ck some shit up
17. Become President of the USA
18. Get Jim to use sunscreen more often
19. Spread the love
20. Get shit done

Not bad, if I do say so myself.

I'll keep posting as long as I can keep typing--and maybe even after that. As long as Jason doesn't try to bust out the ouija board--I told him that shit is powerful stuff and that he shouldn't mess with it.

Okay, kids. More soon...

What have I done to deserve this?

Well folks, it's come to this--IV fluids every day now, at least for the rest of this week. I had a pretty bad case of the runs yesterday and the good folks at Park Animal Hospital managed to squeeze me in for an emergency visit. They took some blood and sent me home with another IV bag and some medicine...

I gotta say, Jim and Jason are real troopers (while I was being a pooper.) I woke them up just about every hour with my business, but they cleaned up the mess (and me) each time and even carried me back into bed, since I was so...uh...uncomfortable down there.

Jim's spending the rest of the week working from home so he can keep an eye on me, which is real nice. This Memorial Day will be a big change from last year--no Palm Springs shenanigans for us, I guess.

Stairway to Heaven

Well, the boys had to get me some steps so I could get into bed each night. I tell ya it's humbling, but at least now I have someplace to stash my booze, drugs, and catnip (the steps lift up to reveal a bootlegger's paradise.)

It's been tough lately--the guys also have to give me IV fluids twice a week now, but the infusions keep me peppy. They also brush my teeth several times a week and give me special vitamins and food. But still...this past weekend I had my regular bath and what was usually a fun day at the spa got me kind of grumpy. I usually like the warm water and the hot hair dryer, but for some reason it just wasn't the same.

I haven't been like this since the Great War, when I exposed to mustard gas in the trenches. Hopefully things will get better now that Spring is coming and I'm shedding my winter coat. At least I hope that's why I'm shedding--maybe that mustard gas is still in my system...!

Little ditty about Jack and Diane Chino

Someone out there recently called me a slacker 'cuz I haven't written anything for a while. But guess what, bitches? You don't know me. The house has been under construction for the past month, which has been very disturbing for me. My writers' group in North Beach has suffered because of it--I've been assigning the group assignments based on upheavel. Upheavel and the dead coming back to life as zombies.

Yeah, Jack would be proud. That's a photo of me an' him in North Beach back before he got all bloated and sweaty and stuff. Those were the good ol' days.

Anyhow, it got so bad around here that my appetite turned sour. I was wasting away. The guys had to get me some special cracked-laced food to get me to eat. But now that the house is getting in order, I'm training to get back to my fighting weight. I gotta keep things in order around here. For chrissakes, someone pooped in our front yard a few weeks ago! Now that I'm feeling better, I'll take the midnight patrols to make sure no one sh**s in my front yard again. That's right--a cat with a baseball bat. Watch out, bitches.

Jim and Jason have been working hard at Ye Olde Dayjobbes, but we all still take some time every weekend to split a bottle of wine or a six pack of beer and sit around and talk to each other and catch up on the craziness.

Yesterday (Valentine's Day), the guys gave me a little treat for my birthday. And this weekend I think we're gonna party down with some strippers and some tequila. It doesn't get much better than that when you've been around as long as I have...

Okay, more next month. Keep it real, kids.