Ain't nobody got time for that!

Well, despite the medicines and IV fluids and extra steps Jason and Jim are taking to keep me comfortable, things are definitely slowing down for me. But recently we discovered something that made us all laugh, which is important at times like these.

First, check out Sweet Brown's regular interview:


And then check out this genius AutoTune remix:


We've been listening to it around the house for days now and it still cracks us up every time. The catchy tune is just genius. Pure genius! I gotta hand it to these folks--creativity mixed with lots of free time equals a hit.

Enjoy, folks.

Live like we're dying...

Okay, bitches, for those of you who don't know already...I have cancer. Regardless of how bad it is, I've talked it over with the boys and it's okay. I'm not going to have surgery. At my age, I don't know if I'd fully recover and I don't want to take that chance. Same with chemo--I'm already losing my hair in patches, so I don't need or want any more of that.

The boys are taking this really hard, but I'm still okay. We're gonna keep on truckin' till the end. The way I see it, I've had a really good life. A long one, too--check out my Bucket List and all the things I've crossed off so far:

1. Begin modern civilization
2. Create the first written language
3. Rule a kingdom
4. Get overthrown by revolutionaries and live to tell the tale
5. Stop Hitler and the Axis Powers
6. Become a war correspondent
7. Develop a vaccine for polio
8. Win a Grammy
9. Invent the Internet
10. Find a loving home
11. Go skydiving
12. Write the great American novel
13. Host a talk show
14. Develop a cure for cancer
15. Run a marathon
16. F*ck some shit up
17. Become President of the USA
18. Get Jim to use sunscreen more often
19. Spread the love
20. Get shit done

Not bad, if I do say so myself.

I'll keep posting as long as I can keep typing--and maybe even after that. As long as Jason doesn't try to bust out the ouija board--I told him that shit is powerful stuff and that he shouldn't mess with it.

Okay, kids. More soon...

What have I done to deserve this?

Well folks, it's come to this--IV fluids every day now, at least for the rest of this week. I had a pretty bad case of the runs yesterday and the good folks at Park Animal Hospital managed to squeeze me in for an emergency visit. They took some blood and sent me home with another IV bag and some medicine...

I gotta say, Jim and Jason are real troopers (while I was being a pooper.) I woke them up just about every hour with my business, but they cleaned up the mess (and me) each time and even carried me back into bed, since I was so...uh...uncomfortable down there.

Jim's spending the rest of the week working from home so he can keep an eye on me, which is real nice. This Memorial Day will be a big change from last year--no Palm Springs shenanigans for us, I guess.

Stairway to Heaven

Well, the boys had to get me some steps so I could get into bed each night. I tell ya it's humbling, but at least now I have someplace to stash my booze, drugs, and catnip (the steps lift up to reveal a bootlegger's paradise.)

It's been tough lately--the guys also have to give me IV fluids twice a week now, but the infusions keep me peppy. They also brush my teeth several times a week and give me special vitamins and food. But still...this past weekend I had my regular bath and what was usually a fun day at the spa got me kind of grumpy. I usually like the warm water and the hot hair dryer, but for some reason it just wasn't the same.

I haven't been like this since the Great War, when I exposed to mustard gas in the trenches. Hopefully things will get better now that Spring is coming and I'm shedding my winter coat. At least I hope that's why I'm shedding--maybe that mustard gas is still in my system...!

Little ditty about Jack and Diane Chino

Someone out there recently called me a slacker 'cuz I haven't written anything for a while. But guess what, bitches? You don't know me. The house has been under construction for the past month, which has been very disturbing for me. My writers' group in North Beach has suffered because of it--I've been assigning the group assignments based on upheavel. Upheavel and the dead coming back to life as zombies.

Yeah, Jack would be proud. That's a photo of me an' him in North Beach back before he got all bloated and sweaty and stuff. Those were the good ol' days.

Anyhow, it got so bad around here that my appetite turned sour. I was wasting away. The guys had to get me some special cracked-laced food to get me to eat. But now that the house is getting in order, I'm training to get back to my fighting weight. I gotta keep things in order around here. For chrissakes, someone pooped in our front yard a few weeks ago! Now that I'm feeling better, I'll take the midnight patrols to make sure no one sh**s in my front yard again. That's right--a cat with a baseball bat. Watch out, bitches.

Jim and Jason have been working hard at Ye Olde Dayjobbes, but we all still take some time every weekend to split a bottle of wine or a six pack of beer and sit around and talk to each other and catch up on the craziness.

Yesterday (Valentine's Day), the guys gave me a little treat for my birthday. And this weekend I think we're gonna party down with some strippers and some tequila. It doesn't get much better than that when you've been around as long as I have...

Okay, more next month. Keep it real, kids.

Who let the dogs out?

Well, November was just a sh*t show--sorry for the language. Things started out badly when Jason found out his identity had been stolen. Some douchebag hacked into the Innernets to get his info and tried to go hog wild at Best Buy, KMart, and any other place that would grant instant credit based on a fake ID and a poor schmuck's Social Security number.

This country is f*cked up to allow that kind of sh*t to take place. All three of us were ready to take the law into our own hands, like Joe Don Baker in Walking Tall, hunting down the motherf**ker and his lowlife ring of ID thieves with baseball bats and power tools.

Jason had this fantasy of having to prove his identity with his thief in the same room at some police station. Jason was going to bust out the actor card with, "Look me up on IMDB, bitch!"

Anyhow, other than that, Jim started a new job within his current company and is liking the change of pace. He gets to work from home occasionally (like this week, while we're having work done on the house), which I really like. We get to hang out and I can sleep on his lap while he screams on the phone and throws his laptop around. It's fun!

In November, Jim and Jason got to Winnie-sit again. That cat is a lush and an overeater. Really, I don't know how she stays so thin. Bitch.

Mister Cellophane

What the hell's been going on, kids? Too much work and lots of drinking. The boys went to Chicago last week and it looks like we're going to move there. Once they can find jobs in the windy city, that is.

I could make a few phone calls to my friends Bob and Emily Hartley, but I figured Jim and Jason could figure it out on their own. Maybe the Hartleys and their friend Howard know of a vacancy in their apartment building, though. I'd like that...

Looks like I'll have to sell one of my local SF businesses in order to finance the move...